Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
