I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize