im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
