he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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