I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
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I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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