Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
