Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
