11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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