There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
