Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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