I want to have your abortion
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
