Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
