apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
