You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
