Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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