I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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