Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
