My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
