He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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