Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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