bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
