Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
