Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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