Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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