Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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