if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
