i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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