I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
