Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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