The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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