i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
