just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
