Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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