whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
