I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
