Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
