Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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