I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
