ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
