Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I want her autograph on my taint
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
