i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Four minutes until I can fart!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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