please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
