Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
