I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
