ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
