I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.