My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover