Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets