I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
