I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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