I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
