And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
