Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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