Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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