honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
