I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
