I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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